And how such things start!

A few days back when I was traveling back from my office I had for company, this famous person who was doing extensive counseling in marriage and family related issues. We had ample time to discuss many things and I was all ears to his amazing real life stories! Some were real eye openers to issues that we generally face in life but would have shied away due to fear, shame or ignorance. One such story caught my attention and I thought I would share it with you. I have used imaginary names for the sake of narration.

Prologue:
Rekha and Vivek had been happily married since 5 years. They had two siblings, a boy and a girl. Rekha was very religious and observed every Karva Chauth and underwent every occasion for fasting that came her way. She was also very active participating in almost every Pooja conducted in their neighborhood. Though she was the youngest participant in any such gathering, she was the darling of all the elder ladies who envied the way in which she rendered the holy verses! And she was really proud of it. Vivek was a software engineer working in a multinational company.

It was 11.00 P.M on Saturday. Vivek was busy chatting with some of his friends on the internet while Rekha was putting the kids to sleep. Rekha finally managed to put them to sleep and in the process dozed off by their side. By 12.30 Vivek started yawning and decided that, he would call it a day. He went to call Rekha . 'Rekha wake up. Let's sleep in our bedroom. Let the children sleep comfortably.' ' Umm let me sleep.' Rekha said half asleep. Vivek tried to shake her awake but was of no use. Then he finally went off to the bedroom all by himself. He was frustrated by her laziness. He tossed and turned in bed and finally managed to sleep by 4.00 A.M! The next day when he woke up Rekha was by the bedside with his morning coffee.Just after her morning bath she looked like a goddess! Vivek could not resist himself.He held her hand and tried to pull her on to the bed. But she thwarted his moves with an enticing smile and said 'It's Saturday dear…am off to the temple. Today again I am out of bounds for you as I am on a fast.' 'I tried to call you yesterday night, but you did not hear,' Vivek said. 'Sorry dear, I was tired.' and she vanished. Vivek 's anger increased! At his office, he did not answer her calls the whole day and showed his resentment. In the evening she asked 'Vivek what is it? Why did'nt you answer my calls? I was worried the whole day!' 'Nothing, I was just busy' Vivek lied. 'No, you are hiding something from me.' Rekha said. ' It's nothing.' Vivek retorted.

The next day Rekha came early to the bedroom and occupied the bed. 'What are you doing? Let me see the girl friends whom you chat with.' Vivek was on his laptop and was chatting with Maria, a friend from Canada. 'It's Maria…I introduced her to you last week… have you forgotten her?' ' Umm…yes I remember. Lets sleep.' said Rekha. 'Okay. Let me close the windows.' Vivek answered. He turned the lights off. Rekha cuddled closely to him. He put his right hand over her stomach and slowly moved it towards her breast. She suddenly shoved his hand away. 'Not now.' She said. 'Why?' Vivek was aghast! 'Am having a seven day fast' she smiled. She tried to hold him tight but he turned away.

Things started to get worse as days went by. Vivek started to ignore Rekha very often . Meanwhile Rekha became more and more obsessed with her fasts. And then one day it happened! She had just woken up from her sleep to have a glass of water. Vivek used to lock the bedroom when he was at something important and that day Rekha found that though the door was closed the lock was not on and there was light in the room. It was almost 1.30 A.M and she wondered what he was doing at this time. And when she opened the door she was shocked at what she saw!

Epilogue:
Dr. Ranganathan had a PhD in Psychology from the University of Bombay and he was a leading counselor specializing in marriage and family matters. Though he was 50 years old he looked 10 years younger and he kept himself trim with Yoga every day. He saw almost 20 patients a day but took utmost care for each and every person who came to him for counseling. He was an expert in his art!
It was 10.30 A.M. He checked his diary. There was a Mr. Vivek who was to meet him now. He had just finished with the couple who had come an hour back. He washed his face and then asked Kamesh to see if Mr. Vivek had come. Kamesh was his assistant. 'Yes sir. He is here.' 'Ask him to come in' Dr. Ranganathan said. Vivek came accompanied by his wife Rekha. 'Sit down please. Feel comfortable. Tell me how I can help you.' 'We have a problem which we could not sort out as she is not ready to let me explain.' Vivek said. 'Doctor, since two months we have been having this problem and one day I was totally shattered on seeing him do it' Rekha said. 'Doing what?' Dr. Ranganathan asked. Now he was curious. 'Am ashamed to say it. I felt like ending my life. But finally thought of coming to you when he pleaded with me' Rekha said. 'Well I will tell you doctor. I was caught watching pornography on the Internet!' 'What?' Ranganathan said. 'Yes doctor.' Vivek told everything that was happening in his life since two months. 'I was frustrated. She made me do it. I did it in anger towards her. She ignored me and also insulted me.' 'I want to end my life.' Rekha started sobbing. 'I have sacrificed my life for him. I do so many P oojas and do fasting for him almost every week. And for such a small thing he cheated me!' And she narrated her version of the story. ' Rekha please listen. Now hear what I have to say. Do you have any other complaints against your husband? Does he have any other vices like drinking, smoking, drugs, and relationships with other women? Does he love you and take care of you? Does he force you for sex at times?' Ranganathan asked. 'No doctor…he does not have any vices. He is very sincere, loves me so much and my children. 'He is a very good husband and a father. He has never ever forced me against my wishes.' Rekha said. 'Rekha, there is a time for everything in life. What you are doing is in excess due to your fervent religious spirit and something that you should be doing at the latter part of your life.' 'Now you should be enjoying your married life. When you grow old and your physical desires are on the wane you can slowly get more involved in religious and spiritual matters.' 'If you ignore the legitimate needs of your husband, he naturally would have no way but to seek other ways to satisfy his needs.' Rekha was all in tears and clasped Vivek's hands.

A week later, Rekha called up Dr. Ranganathan. 'Doctor I am very thankful to you for solving our issue. I have realized my mistake and now I understand him better. He is very happy now.' Dr. Ranganathan smiled in relief. He was wondering why he was unable to find the same solution in his own life when it mattered the most.

Love beyond defined relationships.....when it happens

It could happen at any time of the year to anyone and generally comes without a warning. It just happens in our lives, and many times too! Some people would take pride in saying that it never happens to them. That they are beyond such emotions and are too mature and aged to fall into this "foolish" state of mind! Some people have to struggle with it their whole lives as their fear and ego, do not permit them to admit that they are in love! And then, there are those who take advantage of the word 'love' for selfish gains. So what is it to be in love without any defined relationship?

Firstly we all fear the word 'love'! Love and fear cannot exist together. You can love only when the mind is sans ego and fear. We have always associated the words 'love' and 'lover' with a relationship between the two sexes where a physical relationship is always the final culmination! Love means commitment, and many fear that they would be entangled emotionally or physically in such cases. But if we see it from a wider perspective, its not love that has to be feared, it's the motive behind love. When love happens for a cause and needs to culminate in a physical relationship as in a marriage, it can end with the cause. It also need not end with the cause if there was love beyond the cause. In most cases when the cause is met, love starts fading. When the reason goes, the interest wanes, and the mind wanders again. For true love to prosper there need not be any final destination.

When you are possessive about a person whom you love, your mind is always like a boat tossing about in the ocean, without a sense of direction. For such people the mind always strives to curb the freedom of expression of the person whom they love. It even leads to violence and mental agony for both the lovers. Fights and conflicts become the order of the day. It even takes to dangerous proportions. We justify it strangely in the name of excessive love! Respecting the ones you love, giving space and time, understanding your loved ones, are all necessary to get it going.

This is the age of communication and love needs communication to flower and prosper. Lack of communication and trust is one of the most visible reasons for regular tiffs. If you do love, then you should be ready to share your thoughts completely. When you say that you have a problem, but are unwilling to express it, then it creates distrust and distance. It's better to keep the news of a problem that you are not willing to share well within yourself, until you are ready to share it. Love also requires constant attention and care for your lover.

Now a question arises in our mind; Is it right to love beyond a marital relation? We are also faced with the questions of morality here. Love as such is not a crime or immoral. Love is divine and is the life force of mankind! We cannot survive without love. As I said earlier, the motive makes it look deceptive. To love someone you need to have good qualities and be a sincere person at heart. If you can love someone and if that 'someone' can return your love, it sure is something to be proud of and not to be detested! But if your love is ruthless, violent, selfish and directionless then that is not love!

You should learn how to handle love effectively. First understand that love is not something that decreases in weight or volume when used! The more you give the more it is replenished. It is needless to partition and distribute your love, for it is a large reservoir and so does not matter how many people you love. It only matters, how much of your quality time you can give to the ones you love. One should not struggle to give space to oneself or to those whom one loves. Relations with the spouse, children, and other family members, require physical attention. Many other commitments towards them, other than just the emotional element should never suffer on account of the other people whom you love. You have a commitment to your family. If you neglect the primary person in your life, your spouse, then there is every chance that you will also neglect the next person you love, and the next person and so on. Well I say this on the assumption that there exists a true bond of love between you and your spouse!

Many a time, love starts when you are attracted to people who show similar traits and have special qualities. Love happens between people who have similar wavelengths, and who have the patience to listen to each other regularly. It also helps to strengthen strained relationships and to give balance in life to those who do not get the necessary emotional support from their spouses or loved ones in their families. The mere thought that someone somewhere needs you, cares for you and will listen to you always, is a big strength in itself! This strength is so amazing that it can balance life and bring back the joy of living at times! Love multiplies as you start giving. The more you give the more your reservoir fills up! The ability to love is divine. It should not be curbed.

I conclude by saying that love, beyond a defined relationship is sublime and a far cry from what we term as 'friendship'. It can happen only when two minds are in the highest state of the spiritual realm, without any guilt. It is the ultimate bond that can happen between the sexes! Many would contend that such a state is not possible and Adam and Eve will ultimately sin, but remember that the mind is our biggest enemy and friend. If we can tame the mind anything is possible! We have the ability to make the most simplest of things look complex! Love is an expression of the human mind. Just let it happen and feel the energy and the happiness flow in you!